NOW

There is a scene in Step Up 2...its my favorite scene that doesn't have dancing, but one of my favorite dance scenes is just before it, check it out sometime if you like dancing :)...The leading female says, "My mom always use to tell me 'Just be yourself, life is too short to be anything else. When I was little that sounded so strange, I mean how could I be anyone else? When she got cancer it was like the floor just fell from underneath me and I've been running ever since but now I can't find my way back."
The leading male's response..."Maybe its not about going back, maybe its about being right where you are."

This is so telling, her words could be mine, I have certainly found myself thinking quit often that I wish I could go back to who I was before, especially before my dad died but sometimes I even want it to be back before I came to college. I feel as though my faith was much stronger then, I was a dedicated servant at my church. etc. I mean there is the whole Bible college predicament where you have to find the heart of your walk with Christ outside of class, chapel, etc. Then theres grief, which throws a whole other aspect into this struggle. So in many ways I tried finding my way back to "that girl." The crazy thing is I wasn't sure what it was that I was missing to make me feel so different. As a result I was serching for a mystery that I thought would make me feel whole and fully happy again.

Its been a gradual process but more recently I have encountered the idea that I should really put the past behind me (boy is that a cliche) but seriously, I mean this in a way that recognizes there is no true way of going back to that person I once was and that is actually a good thing. It is only a block in the road to be thinking too often about wanting to go backward (trust me I realized how crazy it was to be thinking in this way but I still felt it) And then yesterday I had a moment with the Lord where it was like okay its time to let this go.

Even as I write this blog I have began to recognize that I only felt weaker in my faith than I once was because of the way it had been defined. When I came to college, suddenly my walk with the Lord was not about the church I had gone to or the ministries I had been a part of there because I wasn't going there anymore and I didn't immediately have a church to do the same. My faith really did have to become mine. I've heard people say that your faith has to become your own, not your parents but I always thought that since I didn't grow up going to church then when I did start going and recognized Christ as Lord and savior of my life then of course it was my faith not my parents but obviously there was some truth for me in what people were saying.Even if my faith wasn't defined by my parents, it did become intertwined with the other things I mentioned before (the church I went to and the ways I was involved). Now my faith is not a result of anything but my walk with Christ. Its me and Him. Everything else is a result of that. Yes I am a part of a community and yes I still love and want to be involved, service is so very important but none of that is what directly defines me as a christ follower. Now just give me Jesus, he is all I need to define me and he provides everything else I need including the essentails like the body of christ. Such things as my struggle with reading the word I can understand now because it wasnt a priority when it was church that defined me not Jesus. Now that it is Jesus, his Word is becoming so precious because it draws me closer to him, to understanding his love for me and our relationship, etc. This change has not been easy and though God has obviously been moving in this way for awhile considering I'm about to gradaute, the insight to what He has been doing is fresh to my mind. It seems so obvious now that I'm surprised I never realized it before but I know that God has a way of doing things just right, I mean he is God ;) So I'm sure this insight is perfect for closing this chapter of my life. I'm so thankful that I'm learning this before graduating. I guess like I said in the previous post about the worth of college, it really is worth it, if it wasn't before (which it was) than it is now more than ever.

In another one of my last posts I mentioned that it was time to live in the now. Iguess I just wasn't ready, which is interesting because the post was about being home so I'm thinking I wasn't really "home" at that point.Its time to talk more on that in the next post...

Gosh these blogs can really help a girl shed some light on things. Talk about really living in the now, how more in the now can you get than this. ;)

Thank you Jesus for using my blog to glorify you just like I prayed it would. I didn't fully realize it would be you teaching me that would glorify you but I will most certainly take it. Your thoughts really arn't my thoughts and your ways arn't my ways....there so much better!