Rewind

It’s time for a little dose of spring…I realize it technically is still spring but I’m talking about the first half of spring spent at school ending the year out. It was (and still is) sort of like rewinding the tape and watching parts of my life over. It felt like I was back again, that place where I feel like I can’t catch my breath, something I haven’t really felt since the 06-07’ school year. Description of self: fragile, handle with care. At any moment I could break into a million pieces. Wait, I’m already in a million pieces. Instead of sleeping, this time I found myself lying, waiting, and listening a lot. When I say lying I mean it in the literal since. Use to, when I would lie down for awhile I would get restless and board and in no time I would be up again finding something to do. Now when I would lie down I relished every minute of it to the point that I didn’t ever want to get up. I decided to speed a little bit of my time lying down until I got board again. Everything about my life needed to lie down. Lying down was my solution to confusion I guess, there are those moments where all you can do is lie down. It gave me permission to stop and think (I know crazy since I’m an analyzer but it’s true). A friend of mine responded to my lying expeditions (that’s an oxymoron I’m sure) with the statement that when life gets tough, lie down! I think this is a lesson worth remembering because from this lying down time I learned to wait and listen, two important things when it comes to living as a Christ follower. Even if I did already know something about these two things, there was obviously room for some more wisdom, as always.
As for waiting, I was waiting for grief and joy to collide into something beautiful. I use to know joy up and down; people would tell me I had an overabundance of it. Now I understand what it means to have times of laughter and times of mourning. Honestly I miss some of the old times which speaks of something deep but I’m glad I’ve learned what I have because it makes it possible for me to relate better to other peoples sufferings. I’m not going to lie though, it’s so easy to think that I’m not joyful enough because I'm not doing something right but thats a lesson to speak of on antoher day. I know for now I need to mourn over some things and I know I will get to that point where the two become one together. I know it’s possible. Won’t you mourn with me now and rejoice with me later?
And well listening, that I was trying to do as truly as possible, listen to God. Not such an easy thing to do (especially when you feel like what your hearing makes no sense and you wonder whether your just speaking out of your own motivations) but I guess this is why lying down isn’t as bad as it sounds (like I’m a lazy bum). Instead I guess it’s my way of figuring out how to be still and know God is. The rest of spring shall be written on the blank pages soon, of course I’m still living out some of them as summer rapidly approaches! In the mean time, maybe try adding some lying down time to your day if you need too but make sure it’s quite. See what happens and feel free to let me know.