Rewind

It’s time for a little dose of spring…I realize it technically is still spring but I’m talking about the first half of spring spent at school ending the year out. It was (and still is) sort of like rewinding the tape and watching parts of my life over. It felt like I was back again, that place where I feel like I can’t catch my breath, something I haven’t really felt since the 06-07’ school year. Description of self: fragile, handle with care. At any moment I could break into a million pieces. Wait, I’m already in a million pieces. Instead of sleeping, this time I found myself lying, waiting, and listening a lot. When I say lying I mean it in the literal since. Use to, when I would lie down for awhile I would get restless and board and in no time I would be up again finding something to do. Now when I would lie down I relished every minute of it to the point that I didn’t ever want to get up. I decided to speed a little bit of my time lying down until I got board again. Everything about my life needed to lie down. Lying down was my solution to confusion I guess, there are those moments where all you can do is lie down. It gave me permission to stop and think (I know crazy since I’m an analyzer but it’s true). A friend of mine responded to my lying expeditions (that’s an oxymoron I’m sure) with the statement that when life gets tough, lie down! I think this is a lesson worth remembering because from this lying down time I learned to wait and listen, two important things when it comes to living as a Christ follower. Even if I did already know something about these two things, there was obviously room for some more wisdom, as always.
As for waiting, I was waiting for grief and joy to collide into something beautiful. I use to know joy up and down; people would tell me I had an overabundance of it. Now I understand what it means to have times of laughter and times of mourning. Honestly I miss some of the old times which speaks of something deep but I’m glad I’ve learned what I have because it makes it possible for me to relate better to other peoples sufferings. I’m not going to lie though, it’s so easy to think that I’m not joyful enough because I'm not doing something right but thats a lesson to speak of on antoher day. I know for now I need to mourn over some things and I know I will get to that point where the two become one together. I know it’s possible. Won’t you mourn with me now and rejoice with me later?
And well listening, that I was trying to do as truly as possible, listen to God. Not such an easy thing to do (especially when you feel like what your hearing makes no sense and you wonder whether your just speaking out of your own motivations) but I guess this is why lying down isn’t as bad as it sounds (like I’m a lazy bum). Instead I guess it’s my way of figuring out how to be still and know God is. The rest of spring shall be written on the blank pages soon, of course I’m still living out some of them as summer rapidly approaches! In the mean time, maybe try adding some lying down time to your day if you need too but make sure it’s quite. See what happens and feel free to let me know.

P.S. I Love You all!

I would like to name the people I have just told you about. Those from the summer who helped more then they realized (including a day at the beach on father’s day) are: Charity, Kaylene and the rest of the Snavely bunch, including the little ones because they helped me remember to play. Also my savannah boys: Ben, Jared, Travis, Kris and Derek. Thank you also to the precious youth of Coastal Community Christian Church and Coastal Empire Christian Camp who remind me of childlike faith and the joys of pure fun!
As for the fall, thanks go out to the girls (Donna, Jen, Diana, and Jamie) and the pimp (Rusty), as well as the ladies of Dodson dorm, especially Melissa and the Bethany’s, W and Z. Thanks for the good times!
I’m sure there are more but these were the main characters that have and still do play major roles in my life, my story. Thanks most of all to God for placing these amazing people in the story at exactly the right time. (You may notice I didn’t mention my amazing mom but she and my Godmother deserve a post all their own.)

Pieces of the Past

That summer (2007) all I wanted was to be restored. So what did I do? I slept and when not sleeping I was pretty much lazy. It was a pursuit of what most people call “r and r,” rest and relaxation. Up to that point I had only been surviving, doing whatever it took to get through each moment because 10 days after the biggest change in my life I went back to school for the end of my sophmore/beginning of my junior year of college. Finally summer came and I had reached a point that I could collapse. It was actually allowed and I took it for all it was worth, wherever I ended up. Where I ended up when I wasn't home is where my heart always seems to lead me, Savannah. And I must say a special thank you to all the people in my life there for allowing me to be just who I was over that summer. You may not even know what exactly was going on with me because even I didn’t really know but you were a great part in helping put me back together again so thank you, you each mean something so special to me.
Then there was the freshness of fall (2007) that offered a new start. I wanted to “live again,” experience as much as possible. So every weekend I had something to do and no it wasn’t homework. In fact I didn’t even touch the stuff (ok that's an exageration), but still I went to a corn maze, carved a pumpkin, went to a Joyce Myer conference (for free!), cruised around hotlanta, and the list goes on. I am in debt to the friends who made this time in my life a trill or better yet one thrill after another to remember. It wasn’t necessarily that anything we did during this time was extravagent when looking back in hindsight but it was nice to be back to my social self; these little joys were exactly what I needed. Thanks to all, you know who you are. Now I’m here (this was actually written in winter 2008). I’m at that place where the two must meet. Restoration and pleasure are colliding whether I want them to or not but I do want them to. Balance is such a beautiful thing that I don’t know who wouldn’t desire it. One author’s point of view is that devotion and pleasure are the components of a balanced life (from the book Eat, Pray, Love). So I’m in the pursuit of balance: that beautiful place where pleasure and devotion meet. But I’m adding my own twist (I don’t think she will mind, in fact I think she would completely agree with it) because I need some restoration at times too. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Where It All Began

I’ve come to realize this story I call life has been split into two parts, acts if you will (I guess this might be a normal part of growing up, when your life begins to change so much you can distinguish it into separate pieces). The first phase: birth to August 6, 2006, the second: from that very day to the present. You see something happened on 08/06/06 that turned my life upside down, I found out my dad had had a heart attack and died at the young age of just 44, I being only 19. I may not have had the ideal, dream relationship with my dad but I was his baby and somehow he was still my hero and I have never felt anything quit like the grief that struck me from this loss. I feel this is where I must begin for this is where I’m still at. Of course I’m not the same person as I was that day; in fact the year following that day is very much a blur. I’m at the end of the second year, what I have been told is harder than the first due to the shock finally settling in and I would have to say I agree with those others. Maybe not so much that it’s due to shock but then again maybe it is the shock just not how I or anyone would really expect but I will get to that later. This past year I can say has been an incredible journey. That is why I want to share what I have learned from these experiences for I now believe a person can’t experience grief without a change occurring within them. All I can say is this is my story and it’s a story to be told. I really haven’t said much of the journey to many people so here it is for anyone who desires to read. There are many chapters and titles, each with their own purpose and point. I probably won't be able to cover it all but here are my experiences, my changes, my laughs, my cries….my journey thus far. Allow me to catch you up in the story...

1st Big Adventure

So first things first, it's confession time: I haven’t exactly read the book the quote my whole blog is centered on is from. I kind of just found it somewhere which I don’t even remember exactly. I mean I chose the title of my blog because I believe this to be a place I will share my experiences of life: the good, the not so good, fun and sad times, etc., knowing all of have a place in the big picture, but I always had this quote in the back of my mind as I was thinking of a title. It intrigues me. Therefore, I have decided my first big adventure for this blog (well not really big but isn’t every adventure big simply because its an adventure?) is to go out, get this book and see exactly what else Dan Allender has to say. If you don’t know me, I love to read! So I’ll get back to you on that but for the time being I’ll get started writing the first couple of chapters of this baby! This is my first attempt at writing, besides the usual research papers for school. Sorry if it seems like I explode onto paper, I’m an analyzer so my brain has a lot to say. See you on the flip side!