HOME=<3

I think its about time I hit up on this subject since over a month ago I said it would be the next necessary blog topic. I must say though that my soul has been a bit quite over this last month and my life, well it has not be so quite as I have been working vigorously to graduate. Now that chapter is closing, I'm working on writing the next. I'm not sure whether this post fits under the former or the latter but I do know its a rough draft that I may return to make some changes to as this topic does ebb and flow in my life. Either way what I want to say is that home has been an interesting concept during my journey of grief. It use to be so simple- Columbus GA was my home and then I came to college but that was just a middle ground for a period of time. Then I went to Savannah, then my dad passed away, then I wanted to go to England, then I didn't go nor did I return to school but I "lived" in Savannah. So the concept of home became very fuzzy. Because despite all of this I still had this deep longing to be settled, this desire I was clinging to. Everything in my life after my dad's death had become unsettled. I wanted so bad to have "my" own place where I could put everything I owned including my dad's furniture that was sitting in a storage building. Then stay in said place, not move, not even think about moving for awhile. You get really sick of all the chaos when you leave a dorm every year for four years, trust me if you haven't experienced it, its not easy. I've noticed this settled desire is deep within so many peoples hearts. And I wonder just how much of that rings to the fact that we aren't truly home, none of us, not even individuals who are openly against any thought of Jesus. None of us are home because this isn't the way it is suppose to be and I wonder just how much God fights for us not to settle. Yes everyone, and I pretty much really do mean everyone gets a house and a job and a spouse and the dog and the kids. I'm not at all saying this is bad because honestly my life will probably end up looking a lot like this, but I hope it is a lot more. I guess I should get down to the point of what has changed in my view. Basically the Lord told me to let go. Let go of this obsessive desire to have those things. I was making it harder on myself by wanting such things. It came down to having to decide whether I would stay and work here at ACC where once again I will be living in a dorm and eating in the dinning hall. I wasn't sure whether I wanted this because I wanted so much of the other. But this release has been freedom. I'm cleaning my life out, I'm breaking out some of the things I've been keeping for a future house and I'm using them. Who says I'll live to see a house in my name anyways so I might as well seize the opportunity of using that cute rug I have for such a deal and that awesome vase I have as well-I mean it does all match!:)And the other stuff, I'm pretty much going to give a way. There are people out there who need pots and pans while mine sit in a storage building waiting on me to settle and then I will probably be the one who will is blessed with a house warming party or who knows someday a wedding shower. Either way I'm learning more and more that the Lord really does provide for me. He is so many things and I'm coming to know each part personally. Not too long ago he used the book a book to show me his Redeeming Love, then through my controlness- that he is my ultimate provider, now he is showing me how he fathers me as I have been reading To own a Dragon by Donald Miller. More on this soon. So maybe we should all take a look at what it is we are striving for and figure out whether it really is what we want. I have a inclination that when God said to seek his kingdom first and all else will be given to you, that he wasn't joking. So now in my heart, I know I am home and home really is where my heart is. I don't care how cliche that is, Jesus may not litterly be in my heart or maybe he is, there is far too much debate on this matter in my opinion. All i know is I am only truly me with him. And like Dr. Hooks taught us in Old Testament Proophecy, the heart from a biblical perspective is where decisions are made. Decisions are not easy for me, anyone who knows me well enough knows this about me but with the Lord I know that I can make sound decisions and if I happen to screw one up he is still there and will fix the pieces back together again to make something beautiful...for those who love him. In this particular instance I have been able to use my heart to make the decision that I am completely settled in Jesus, give or take a home, or when I didn't have a car, or if I have a penny or $1000 in savings, or if I wear the same nice clothes for three years because I really don't need anymore. So wherever I go I carry home with me in Jesus name,
Amen

More GOODNESS to share...

Cardboard testimonies...I first saw this on a friends blog post....




and then my friend Kristen, who just got baptized, her sister-in-law made this....



I thought after I had posted about Kristen's baptism it was only appropriate to share this as well. Who knows, maybe someday I'll write about my cardboard testimonies, but for now I'm rejoicing over theirs.

Just for Fun...

NOW

There is a scene in Step Up 2...its my favorite scene that doesn't have dancing, but one of my favorite dance scenes is just before it, check it out sometime if you like dancing :)...The leading female says, "My mom always use to tell me 'Just be yourself, life is too short to be anything else. When I was little that sounded so strange, I mean how could I be anyone else? When she got cancer it was like the floor just fell from underneath me and I've been running ever since but now I can't find my way back."
The leading male's response..."Maybe its not about going back, maybe its about being right where you are."

This is so telling, her words could be mine, I have certainly found myself thinking quit often that I wish I could go back to who I was before, especially before my dad died but sometimes I even want it to be back before I came to college. I feel as though my faith was much stronger then, I was a dedicated servant at my church. etc. I mean there is the whole Bible college predicament where you have to find the heart of your walk with Christ outside of class, chapel, etc. Then theres grief, which throws a whole other aspect into this struggle. So in many ways I tried finding my way back to "that girl." The crazy thing is I wasn't sure what it was that I was missing to make me feel so different. As a result I was serching for a mystery that I thought would make me feel whole and fully happy again.

Its been a gradual process but more recently I have encountered the idea that I should really put the past behind me (boy is that a cliche) but seriously, I mean this in a way that recognizes there is no true way of going back to that person I once was and that is actually a good thing. It is only a block in the road to be thinking too often about wanting to go backward (trust me I realized how crazy it was to be thinking in this way but I still felt it) And then yesterday I had a moment with the Lord where it was like okay its time to let this go.

Even as I write this blog I have began to recognize that I only felt weaker in my faith than I once was because of the way it had been defined. When I came to college, suddenly my walk with the Lord was not about the church I had gone to or the ministries I had been a part of there because I wasn't going there anymore and I didn't immediately have a church to do the same. My faith really did have to become mine. I've heard people say that your faith has to become your own, not your parents but I always thought that since I didn't grow up going to church then when I did start going and recognized Christ as Lord and savior of my life then of course it was my faith not my parents but obviously there was some truth for me in what people were saying.Even if my faith wasn't defined by my parents, it did become intertwined with the other things I mentioned before (the church I went to and the ways I was involved). Now my faith is not a result of anything but my walk with Christ. Its me and Him. Everything else is a result of that. Yes I am a part of a community and yes I still love and want to be involved, service is so very important but none of that is what directly defines me as a christ follower. Now just give me Jesus, he is all I need to define me and he provides everything else I need including the essentails like the body of christ. Such things as my struggle with reading the word I can understand now because it wasnt a priority when it was church that defined me not Jesus. Now that it is Jesus, his Word is becoming so precious because it draws me closer to him, to understanding his love for me and our relationship, etc. This change has not been easy and though God has obviously been moving in this way for awhile considering I'm about to gradaute, the insight to what He has been doing is fresh to my mind. It seems so obvious now that I'm surprised I never realized it before but I know that God has a way of doing things just right, I mean he is God ;) So I'm sure this insight is perfect for closing this chapter of my life. I'm so thankful that I'm learning this before graduating. I guess like I said in the previous post about the worth of college, it really is worth it, if it wasn't before (which it was) than it is now more than ever.

In another one of my last posts I mentioned that it was time to live in the now. Iguess I just wasn't ready, which is interesting because the post was about being home so I'm thinking I wasn't really "home" at that point.Its time to talk more on that in the next post...

Gosh these blogs can really help a girl shed some light on things. Talk about really living in the now, how more in the now can you get than this. ;)

Thank you Jesus for using my blog to glorify you just like I prayed it would. I didn't fully realize it would be you teaching me that would glorify you but I will most certainly take it. Your thoughts really arn't my thoughts and your ways arn't my ways....there so much better!

The BEST Feast Day yet!

Ah man....today was a great day. Today I saw my great friend Kristen Coski get baptized and after the journey of the last two years it was one of the most beautiful things I have seen in a long time. Today I remember the small things over these last couple of years like when I handed out index cards to everyone in the dorm last year with a name of another girl from the dorm on it, the only instruction was to pray for this person. I purposely gave Kristen's name to Bethany. I also remember telling the intern here at school that it would be good to put Kristen in Dr. Macks d-group and guess who was at Kristen's baptism? I remember the time Bethany, Melissa and I went to the hospital to visit Kristen, we didn't get to see her but we took an Oprah magazine and a candy bar to her. Lastly I remember the time it was just Bethany and myself at family prayer one Thursday night last year. We really poured our hearts out about several things including Kristen. I think one of the best parts of today was to see how many people have played strategic roles in Kristen's life. There were people praying for Kristen before she ever stepped foot on ACC's campus and have to continued to this very day. It really goes to show just how much each person as a part, can plant a seed in someones life. Out of us all, the Lord has wanted for Kristen to choose him more than any of us. He watered the seeds. So there you have it...don't think you don't have a place in the story of people's lives.

By the way, today I had a piece of Kristen's "birthday" cake (we threw her a party yesterday) hence the part about it being the best feast day. I really splurged after not eating anything sweet last Sunday (I wouldn't suggest doing that) so I also had ice cream to, from Rita's ice custard happiness (check the website out if you don't know what it is).

P.S. again...In grieving you just might find that you become a more sensitive person, I had never cried at a wedding until my friends this past October and then today I sobbed. I never expect it or I would prepare myself with some tissue! Maybe I will learn someday! :)

Is it really worth it?

While I was home for spring break I must also confess that I watched a large share of television but I also fully admit that I don't care at all whether this was a good or bad thing because I don't ever get to watch it anymore and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Ok now I can go on to say that one of the shows I watched is CSI, it was the original one so I guess that means it was the Los Vegas one, correct me if I'm wrong because I'm really not sure. None the less, I found the least important part of the show most interesting. The lead male, I don't know his name either, was explaining some research he had seen about how people who go to college end up spending about as much as they will end up making in their lifetime. Granted I don't know how true this is but that isn't the point...his colleague asked him if he was saying that he thought college was worthless and the next thing out of the leads mouth was "Depends on what you learn." Ok so that is interesting to me because of how true it really is, I mean when I think about how much I have grown just as a person (not in heigth of course, I have plenty of that at 5'8") I realize that nothing can replace the experience of college. I think in high school it is common to wonder who we are and try to figure it out but I don't think we really know until college. I can't speak for anyone who hasn't gone to college but as for me I know that now I can "go into the world" (as if college isn't actually part of the world) knowing so much more about the important things in life. Once again I don't think words can really do justice here but I'll do my best...somewhere in these last four years I've caught on to some things that I don't think I would be as good of a friend, child of God, wife, mother or anything else without knowing. I'm learning to enjoy silence, to control money rather than it control me, how to fully submit to community, that less is more and so on and so on. These things and more I am still learning about and just in the past couple of days I have been thinking about how some things will constantly remain in need of more reminding, and defiantly prayer, probably even more wisdom. Hopefully this whole process is evident in the blogs I write. I guess I'm just saying that as I have about fifty days left of this thing we call college, this part of life, this part of my story... I say I am so very thankful for it, for the ups, for the downs, I wouldn't trade it for the world (there's those words again). So in my book it certainly is a worthy cause, worth every penny even if it is a not so cheap, private christian college.

P.S. This means a lot to me considering right after my dad died I really wanted to give up for a little while and leave school. So if your feeling hopeless...keep keeping on. Just don't be too hard on yourself along the way.Remember Jesus is there.

Confessions of THIS shopaholic

I saw the movie Confessions of a Shopaholic the other day. I didn't want to go honestly, I was tired and wasn't sure if I would like it. I thought it might promote shopping and spending too much money on clothes without any consequences. But my aunt "kicked me in the but" to go and now I'm glad I saw it. It seems that every movie I don't have the desire to see ends up being a movie I really like! Anyways its subject matter is where I am in life right now actually. I'm on a shopping fast I guess you could call it. I finally realized that I have plenty of clothes, actually more than enough. I could clothe three other people I'm sure, probably more. And among the things in my life that are going on, one is a search for simplicity. In fact I'm claiming this year as Simply 09'. Every book I have been picking up whether for class or for leisure has pointed to this idea of simplicity.In fact there is so much I don't think I can spit it all out here which is okay because its not necessary. But lets go back a little.
The interesting thing about grief is how it can play a role in every part of life. When I would go shopping at the heaviest point of grief I came out of the store with clothes I wasn't even sure I liked enough too really buy. It wasn't just that I was splurging to feel better but that grief can literally make a person feel an out of body experience. My friend described it as living in a color television world while you feel like the black and white set. The numbness makes it easy to shop without even thinking about it. The feeling of loosing a piece of yourself when you loose someone you love causes the urge to find that part of you again. Of course we run to clothes first, at least us females usually do!Looking back on this I would love to be upset with myself over it all but really I am a better person because it. It's not like the grief all of a sudden made me a shopper it just made it far to easy not to think about the end result. No, even before my dad died I certainly was a shopper.Now I see that less really is more. So for now I'm doing my best not to buy more clothes. I'm also not getting rid of any at this point either. My strategy is to see what I really do wear and what I don't but more than that I want to actually feel the depth of what I have especially when I get it all together in one place, which I plan to do, and then I will see just how much I have. I even plan on counting the articles. At some point I will embrace the giving away part. I was thinking the other day of how it will feel to not even care if someone borrows something and I don't ever see it again or if someone likes something maybe I give it to them because I realize that this controlling nature that is so common in the world is very much in me as well. And I can do something even if its little by starting with me. My favorite part of the movie is at the end when the leading character defines herself. "Rebecca Bloomingdale, reformed shopaholic." Also the leading male role had empty picture frames at the begining of the film. When she asked him why he didn't fill them, he responded that it is what is in those pictures that defines a person. So someday the right picture will come along and I will share it with you but for now....I am Amanda Moody, a shopaholic being reformed by the patient and unconditional redeeming love of Jesus. Until next time may you find more peace and simplicity in your life as well. -alm