Inspired by friends...

I am awake before the boys on this rainy looking day (I thought it was suppose to be sunny, we plan to grill out!) It would be nice to go back to bed but I am practicing at waking up earlier as I was reading a blog the other day where a mom was writing about her routine. She said getting up was a must. I have to admit I don't like that idea but heres to trying. Blah blah blah, so after recently reading so friends blogs I was encouraged to recognize what I am thankful for so here we go Right now I am thankful for... My hubby and my son -Eason knows how to turn his head so that it comfortably fits into the crease of my neck when he is sleeping (He does it with Brett too and Brett loves it too!) -That Eason sleeps in his crib and often goes to sleep on his own, he really is such a good baby -Brett and I can still go to Barnes and Noble because Eason is small and relaxs in the car seat or our arms, I know soon he will want to move, move, move! Which will be fun too :) -Our apartment, even though we are growing out of it and about to move out. The same said blog from above also mentioned being thankful where your at. I cam always work on this. She mentioned all the perks to living in an apartment and I was reminded not to take these perks for granted no matter how much I would like a house. I'll settle for renting a house! -Reading a good book- I feel like I havn't done that since college. Partly because of life and partly because I can't find any books worth reading. -Quite mornings, leftover coffee and bisquit (I hate wasting) -The complex we live in finally got recycling bins, even though we're leaving soon, other people can use! -I have a job even though I was made to go part time, I like the extra time I get with Eason This is my attempt at counting my blessings because honestly I often focus on what I want rather than what I have.There are more but I want to go wake up the boys and enjoy this day with them, something else I am thankful for!

3 years later!

Wow! I suppose I'm resurecting this thing from 6feet under. How interesting that I started this blog in May 2008 and I last posted in May 2009 (the month and year I graduated from college). Hear it is May 2012. I left college and dove straight into life, well actually I had a fabulous summer-possibly my last free summer for life, then it was time for the real world and by that I mean a full time job, cleaning, errands, cooking, etc,etc! Also interesting is that in one of my past posts I put that perhaps the third chapter in my life was just around the corner and that was June 3, 2008. In July I meet Brett, now my hubby! I spent the fall of 2008 in Savannah for a semester off from school, then returned to ACC in spring 2009 to finish.That awesome summer I mentioned above was spent with Brett more on this later I hope) and in October we got married! So yes chapter theee is in full swing as now I am a wife and mother of a handsome 4month old (to be continued)! And that is the best part of life after college. What got me back here though is that there is a sudden craze in my friends starting blogs that I remembered "Hey, I once had a blog! Wonder what happened to that thing." Browsing back on things you've written in the past is always fascinating. Some posts I can't even believe I wrote and its like I'm learning from myself only three years later. And other posts I wonder why I wrote, but thats not the case with most of them. My favorite are the silly ones about fun stuff like the crazy things kids say and do. Anywho, I also started reading a book our small group was going through, The Art of Breathing by Gina Roes (she is a counseler at the counesling center affiliated with our chruch, Savannah Christian). It's really good and more will come on that later as I digest it. But wouldn't you know that she would go and quote (in every chapter I've read so far) the guy (Dan Allender) who I also quoted for the title of this blog. Perhaps it is a good time to write again. I honestly don't understand blogwritting and things like facebook. I mean obvsiously social networking and just being able to keep up/in touch with friends and family is always great but sometimes I think we all secretly believe that if we write it down well actually it would be type it out then it means whatever we're doing/feeling becomes more real. Just a theory. I know there are also times when people can have advertisements on their blogs and gain money from the experience, but that just isn't me-to complicated. What I feel is that writng on this blog is like talking to a counselor, getting it all out, instead of pinning it all in-for free!(I know I shouldn't say that since I have a degree in counseling but oh well!)For this reason I havn't cared if anyone even reads what I write(although I woudn't mind it.Life has been crazy since leaving college so it might have done me some good to write through those times but I'll happily take it now. Sitting here with my leftover coffee and bisquit (yes, leftover-i have no shame). I am flooded with so many things I can write about I should probably do separte posts. P.S. I still havn't read the book by Dan Allender, whoops! Life...to be continued....

HOME=<3

I think its about time I hit up on this subject since over a month ago I said it would be the next necessary blog topic. I must say though that my soul has been a bit quite over this last month and my life, well it has not be so quite as I have been working vigorously to graduate. Now that chapter is closing, I'm working on writing the next. I'm not sure whether this post fits under the former or the latter but I do know its a rough draft that I may return to make some changes to as this topic does ebb and flow in my life. Either way what I want to say is that home has been an interesting concept during my journey of grief. It use to be so simple- Columbus GA was my home and then I came to college but that was just a middle ground for a period of time. Then I went to Savannah, then my dad passed away, then I wanted to go to England, then I didn't go nor did I return to school but I "lived" in Savannah. So the concept of home became very fuzzy. Because despite all of this I still had this deep longing to be settled, this desire I was clinging to. Everything in my life after my dad's death had become unsettled. I wanted so bad to have "my" own place where I could put everything I owned including my dad's furniture that was sitting in a storage building. Then stay in said place, not move, not even think about moving for awhile. You get really sick of all the chaos when you leave a dorm every year for four years, trust me if you haven't experienced it, its not easy. I've noticed this settled desire is deep within so many peoples hearts. And I wonder just how much of that rings to the fact that we aren't truly home, none of us, not even individuals who are openly against any thought of Jesus. None of us are home because this isn't the way it is suppose to be and I wonder just how much God fights for us not to settle. Yes everyone, and I pretty much really do mean everyone gets a house and a job and a spouse and the dog and the kids. I'm not at all saying this is bad because honestly my life will probably end up looking a lot like this, but I hope it is a lot more. I guess I should get down to the point of what has changed in my view. Basically the Lord told me to let go. Let go of this obsessive desire to have those things. I was making it harder on myself by wanting such things. It came down to having to decide whether I would stay and work here at ACC where once again I will be living in a dorm and eating in the dinning hall. I wasn't sure whether I wanted this because I wanted so much of the other. But this release has been freedom. I'm cleaning my life out, I'm breaking out some of the things I've been keeping for a future house and I'm using them. Who says I'll live to see a house in my name anyways so I might as well seize the opportunity of using that cute rug I have for such a deal and that awesome vase I have as well-I mean it does all match!:)And the other stuff, I'm pretty much going to give a way. There are people out there who need pots and pans while mine sit in a storage building waiting on me to settle and then I will probably be the one who will is blessed with a house warming party or who knows someday a wedding shower. Either way I'm learning more and more that the Lord really does provide for me. He is so many things and I'm coming to know each part personally. Not too long ago he used the book a book to show me his Redeeming Love, then through my controlness- that he is my ultimate provider, now he is showing me how he fathers me as I have been reading To own a Dragon by Donald Miller. More on this soon. So maybe we should all take a look at what it is we are striving for and figure out whether it really is what we want. I have a inclination that when God said to seek his kingdom first and all else will be given to you, that he wasn't joking. So now in my heart, I know I am home and home really is where my heart is. I don't care how cliche that is, Jesus may not litterly be in my heart or maybe he is, there is far too much debate on this matter in my opinion. All i know is I am only truly me with him. And like Dr. Hooks taught us in Old Testament Proophecy, the heart from a biblical perspective is where decisions are made. Decisions are not easy for me, anyone who knows me well enough knows this about me but with the Lord I know that I can make sound decisions and if I happen to screw one up he is still there and will fix the pieces back together again to make something beautiful...for those who love him. In this particular instance I have been able to use my heart to make the decision that I am completely settled in Jesus, give or take a home, or when I didn't have a car, or if I have a penny or $1000 in savings, or if I wear the same nice clothes for three years because I really don't need anymore. So wherever I go I carry home with me in Jesus name,
Amen

More GOODNESS to share...

Cardboard testimonies...I first saw this on a friends blog post....




and then my friend Kristen, who just got baptized, her sister-in-law made this....



I thought after I had posted about Kristen's baptism it was only appropriate to share this as well. Who knows, maybe someday I'll write about my cardboard testimonies, but for now I'm rejoicing over theirs.

Just for Fun...

NOW

There is a scene in Step Up 2...its my favorite scene that doesn't have dancing, but one of my favorite dance scenes is just before it, check it out sometime if you like dancing :)...The leading female says, "My mom always use to tell me 'Just be yourself, life is too short to be anything else. When I was little that sounded so strange, I mean how could I be anyone else? When she got cancer it was like the floor just fell from underneath me and I've been running ever since but now I can't find my way back."
The leading male's response..."Maybe its not about going back, maybe its about being right where you are."

This is so telling, her words could be mine, I have certainly found myself thinking quit often that I wish I could go back to who I was before, especially before my dad died but sometimes I even want it to be back before I came to college. I feel as though my faith was much stronger then, I was a dedicated servant at my church. etc. I mean there is the whole Bible college predicament where you have to find the heart of your walk with Christ outside of class, chapel, etc. Then theres grief, which throws a whole other aspect into this struggle. So in many ways I tried finding my way back to "that girl." The crazy thing is I wasn't sure what it was that I was missing to make me feel so different. As a result I was serching for a mystery that I thought would make me feel whole and fully happy again.

Its been a gradual process but more recently I have encountered the idea that I should really put the past behind me (boy is that a cliche) but seriously, I mean this in a way that recognizes there is no true way of going back to that person I once was and that is actually a good thing. It is only a block in the road to be thinking too often about wanting to go backward (trust me I realized how crazy it was to be thinking in this way but I still felt it) And then yesterday I had a moment with the Lord where it was like okay its time to let this go.

Even as I write this blog I have began to recognize that I only felt weaker in my faith than I once was because of the way it had been defined. When I came to college, suddenly my walk with the Lord was not about the church I had gone to or the ministries I had been a part of there because I wasn't going there anymore and I didn't immediately have a church to do the same. My faith really did have to become mine. I've heard people say that your faith has to become your own, not your parents but I always thought that since I didn't grow up going to church then when I did start going and recognized Christ as Lord and savior of my life then of course it was my faith not my parents but obviously there was some truth for me in what people were saying.Even if my faith wasn't defined by my parents, it did become intertwined with the other things I mentioned before (the church I went to and the ways I was involved). Now my faith is not a result of anything but my walk with Christ. Its me and Him. Everything else is a result of that. Yes I am a part of a community and yes I still love and want to be involved, service is so very important but none of that is what directly defines me as a christ follower. Now just give me Jesus, he is all I need to define me and he provides everything else I need including the essentails like the body of christ. Such things as my struggle with reading the word I can understand now because it wasnt a priority when it was church that defined me not Jesus. Now that it is Jesus, his Word is becoming so precious because it draws me closer to him, to understanding his love for me and our relationship, etc. This change has not been easy and though God has obviously been moving in this way for awhile considering I'm about to gradaute, the insight to what He has been doing is fresh to my mind. It seems so obvious now that I'm surprised I never realized it before but I know that God has a way of doing things just right, I mean he is God ;) So I'm sure this insight is perfect for closing this chapter of my life. I'm so thankful that I'm learning this before graduating. I guess like I said in the previous post about the worth of college, it really is worth it, if it wasn't before (which it was) than it is now more than ever.

In another one of my last posts I mentioned that it was time to live in the now. Iguess I just wasn't ready, which is interesting because the post was about being home so I'm thinking I wasn't really "home" at that point.Its time to talk more on that in the next post...

Gosh these blogs can really help a girl shed some light on things. Talk about really living in the now, how more in the now can you get than this. ;)

Thank you Jesus for using my blog to glorify you just like I prayed it would. I didn't fully realize it would be you teaching me that would glorify you but I will most certainly take it. Your thoughts really arn't my thoughts and your ways arn't my ways....there so much better!

The BEST Feast Day yet!

Ah man....today was a great day. Today I saw my great friend Kristen Coski get baptized and after the journey of the last two years it was one of the most beautiful things I have seen in a long time. Today I remember the small things over these last couple of years like when I handed out index cards to everyone in the dorm last year with a name of another girl from the dorm on it, the only instruction was to pray for this person. I purposely gave Kristen's name to Bethany. I also remember telling the intern here at school that it would be good to put Kristen in Dr. Macks d-group and guess who was at Kristen's baptism? I remember the time Bethany, Melissa and I went to the hospital to visit Kristen, we didn't get to see her but we took an Oprah magazine and a candy bar to her. Lastly I remember the time it was just Bethany and myself at family prayer one Thursday night last year. We really poured our hearts out about several things including Kristen. I think one of the best parts of today was to see how many people have played strategic roles in Kristen's life. There were people praying for Kristen before she ever stepped foot on ACC's campus and have to continued to this very day. It really goes to show just how much each person as a part, can plant a seed in someones life. Out of us all, the Lord has wanted for Kristen to choose him more than any of us. He watered the seeds. So there you have it...don't think you don't have a place in the story of people's lives.

By the way, today I had a piece of Kristen's "birthday" cake (we threw her a party yesterday) hence the part about it being the best feast day. I really splurged after not eating anything sweet last Sunday (I wouldn't suggest doing that) so I also had ice cream to, from Rita's ice custard happiness (check the website out if you don't know what it is).

P.S. again...In grieving you just might find that you become a more sensitive person, I had never cried at a wedding until my friends this past October and then today I sobbed. I never expect it or I would prepare myself with some tissue! Maybe I will learn someday! :)